The Art of Sin

People go through life everyday making snap judgments  based on things we immediately see opposed to things that we know. Ironically even the media teaches up to judge first and ask questions later. No matter what a person does in life they will always be judged whether it is positive or negative. When I think about how people view different events that have happened in my life I remember how quick people were to pass judgment on me without viewing my entire situation.  For this paper I am using the following scenario: People who knew me as a teenager knew that I was very shy and reserved.  I have always been a decent student and rarely associated with family or friends. I didn’t have many friends and did not have a boyfriend until I was almost 25. Growing up I lived a very sheltered life almost as hidden from the world.  I only came out of the house to go to work and school. Not because I wanted to but because I held a very big secret that eventually destroyed the family. When I was sixteen I found out I was pregnant. The first thing that came to my mind was fear, not really fear of being pregnant but the fear of having to explain who I was pregnant by and how I could let this happen. My first thought was suicide because mentally the thought of bringing a child into the world that I would definitely hate tore me apart and I was willing to do anything to get rid of it.  I knew in my heart that  my unborn child would live a life of agony because I would surely despise a child that resembled my step-father.  I was angry and distraught and I wanted to have an immediate abortion but didn’t know where to start or even what to do. Not really knowing how to handle this situation, I sought counsel from a church, and a  planned parenthood counselor.

When I went to the church I asked general questions about being pregnant  and wanted to know if getting an abortion was a good choice I was almost instantly shunned upon. The pastor took one look at me and immediately decided that I was just a young girl that got myself into  trouble and now was looking for a way out. I was told that the only reason that there was ever a reason to have an abortion is to save a mother’s life. Immediately I tried to semi explain my situation without getting anyone in trouble.  I was told that I should have first of all not have been having sex at such a young age and secondly this is an ultimate decision that my parents should make.  Who was he to look down on me when I cane to him asking for help. I thought people went to church with life decisions. We did  not practice religion of any kind  so everything I knew about church I learned on television. What I think hurt me the most with seeing the pastor at the church was he instantly assumed that I was promiscuous and instead of trying to help me with my current situation he began to counsel me on what good girls and bad girls do. Instead of helping me and giving me encouragement that I desperately needed he made be feel worst for even considering abortion.  I truly think that the pastor let his personal beliefs get in the way of  helping me. Not getting the answer I desperately wanted to hear I left and I went to a planned parenthood facility a few weeks later. When I showed up to the planned parenthood facility I was almost an hour late.  I apologized for being late but I could tell that he counselor was aggravated and that this appointment would not go well.  The counselor that I talked to was kind of cold and  pretty straight forward and  explained to me other options I had besides abortion like adoption, private person to person adoption or having the baby and raising it myself.  I was told that abortions are permanent and I needed to talk to my parents before making a decision of that caliber.  She asked me I had any other questions, or needed the number of adoption agencies that would be able to assist me. It was apparent that she had already made a decision on my behalf with even consulting me. At first I was angry, I was thinking she doesn’t even know me to judge me like that.

Out of desperation I told the counselor  that I was pregnant by someone close to me and that I couldn’t really go into detail but having a baby would  definitely cause more problems that I could not handle at this moment, and that I desperately needed someone to talk to. After hearing that she almost instantly changed her demeanor towards me. She came from behind the desk and sat with me, held my hand and talked to me about how I was feeling and wanted to know what I wanted to do and if  anyone else knew of my situation.  We ended up talking for almost two hours, and she help me make a couple of solid decisions that altered my life for the better.  A week after my appointment I did end up having an abortion I felt like a big weight had been lifted off of me.  I think that if this counselor would have had the same attitude towards me that the pastor did, I think I would have been shamed into carrying and  raising a child who would remind me of the almost daily tortures I experienced as a child.  I am not saying that the counselor made my choice to have an abortion but her influence of educating me on different options I had made me come to what I thought was a solid decision. Even 20 years later I still replay this situation in my mind as if it were yesterday.   I often wonder if the decision I made all those years ago were done out of  selfishness, fear or pure confusion. I guess I will never know, but I pray in my heart that eventually this burden I still carry will be lifted.  .